What Can You Learn from a Life?
By: Michael DeVenney
My Dad passed away last week. He was a wonderful man whose struggle with Alzheimer’s took him from us much quicker than expected. His passing has been a double loss – I lost my Dad with Alzheimer’s and I also lost the Dad I had known before that disease entered his life.
Dad wasn’t a corporate executive, a business owner, a politician or a financial mover and shaker. In fact, he believed that money beyond his needs was a complication of life. My Dad was a farmer.
So, what can achievers and leaders learn from my Dad’s life?
There is something in leadership called the wake. When a boat cuts through water it leaves a trail of waves behind that vary in size and spray based on the boat’s speed and the way it is traveling. The waves left behind are the wake. Similarly, the way a leader achieves results leaves a wake behind him or her. It can be results at any cost or it can be accomplishing goals with a positive impact on the people around you. Leaders should be very concerned with their wake. My Dad left a very positive wake.
It is interesting to see your father through the eyes of other people. Reading the cards, emails and messages last week from people who knew my Dad in many different settings gave a consistent picture of his wake. People consistently talked about his big smile, funny stories and peaceful disposition that impacted their lives – he made them smile and laugh and eased their load a little. They mentioned his huge heart that had room for all of them and his way of making people feel he had been waiting just for them. Everyone talked about Dad’s patience and how he teased them good-naturedly to put them at ease. Dad made people feel good about themselves.
A leader’s legacy will be the wake they leave behind them and I think there are three lessons that can be taken from my Dad’s life – lessons that every driven achiever can use to make a positive and lasting change in their life.
Firstly, my Dad enjoyed his life – plain and simple. He was one of those rare people who knew he had what he wanted and took the time to appreciate what he had. For Dad, he loved his family, his friends and his farm. He had goals but he lived his life in a way that focused on what was most important to him. He didn’t worry about what he didn’t have – he was grateful for the gifts he had.
Too often we get caught in the disease of “when I get that, I will be happy”. Achievers can become driven by the need to accomplish the next goal, get the next toy, and move to the next level. We don’t always take time to appreciate what we have and enjoy the journey. I know I have been guilty on this count. We end up living in the gap – the divide between what we have and what we think we need. It can be an ever widening divide.
Money isn’t the answer. What I always find interesting is that the things that bring me the most pleasure usually don’t cost very much – a bike or ski day, a dinner party with friends, or just relaxing at home. Yet, you can put work in front of these pleasures with the comment that “I don’t have time right now but when I do …” and then the time is gone. My Dad enjoyed his life. He took time to appreciate what he had and was grateful for the pleasure he received from what was most important to him.
I think we need to continue learning and building a bigger future but not at the expense of putting the destination ahead of the journey. We can get caught in the “busyness” and importance of our professional lives. We need to take time each week to relax and enjoy life even if it means planning the time in our schedules. We should celebrate what we have and what we have achieved before we think about what’s next.
Secondly, Dad invested his time and energy in his family and friends. In the end, they are the most important people in our lives. When leaders work on development exercises about who is most important to them and their success, family and friends are usually the answers. On the flip side, most leaders say they don’t always commit the time they should to those most important to them. We think they will always be there and we can be with them when the time is right. Yet we often put others first.
I greatly enjoy visits and dinners with several of my cousins and when I drive by their houses I’ll say I should call them and set something up. I don’t do it. I have great conversations with one of my friends and share great laughs about things. I think I should give my friend a call – but then I need to get that proposal ready and plan to call another night. I don’t do it. I think we often put second things first.
If family and friends are most important we should put the time there for them first. No matter how long Dad’s hours were on the farm, he always made time for his family and friends. I always knew Dad was there for me. I come from a big family as well and they all felt important to Dad. He just had a way of making you feel that you were first for him. He put first people first. Everyone called our farm home as that was the feeling you had.
Going forward, I want to make time each week for family and friends. I am a little controlling (who isn’t?) so maybe I will even slot it in my weekly planner. Whatever it takes to put the time for family and friends first, do it. Proposals will get done – work will be there. No matter how many hours we work, there will always be more work. The time may not always be there for family and friends – let’s put them first.
Lastly, one of my Dad’s greatest talents was encouraging the people around him that they could do anything. He made you believe you could succeed. Dad just provided that unconditional support that you could do it. When you felt a little overwhelmed, you could take a walk and talk with Dad and he always made you feel better about things. People mentioned that Dad always made them feel welcomed, interesting and important. Dad asked questions and was curious about what you were doing. He was always impressed with what you had done and said, “Well, isn’t that something”, that made you proud. I think everyone needs someone in their life that supports them to achieve – and not giving well-rounded assessments (also useful) but just being there to say you did well.
The world can seem a little hard at times, the road a little difficult and the climb more challenging than yesterday and we need someone to say its ok, and you’ve done well. My Dad made me feel exceptional – that no matter what I had done – however great or small – that it was a true achievement. I will miss him.
The next step for me is to do for someone else in my life what my Dad did for me – just unconditionally encourage them, applaud their achievements, and make them feel exceptional. I think the greatest achievement we can have is to help someone else develop and achieve. Look around you and see who needs your support – it could be someone who works for you, a family member or friend. You can help them achieve and make them feel exceptional.
What can you learn from a life?
For me, what I can take from Dad’s life is leaving a positive wake. By celebrating and appreciating what I have and enjoying the journey, putting time first for family and friends, and unconditionally supporting someone to achieve, I think you can achieve more in your own life.
My Dad was a great influence in my life and I want to honor his memory by learning and living these three messages. I hope maybe you can take something from him as well.
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