Leaders often say that it is lonely at the top. Yes, it is ... but I think many leaders make it that way by their approach to real feedback. If you want to hear it, then be sure you want to hear it.

We are many times lulled into the trap of providing feedback to leaders with their silky words, "I really need your opinion to do the best job leading this organization. I want to hear what you think. I am always open to hearing the truth." I think from experience that about 5% are being honest about it. Most leaders sadly just want to hear you confirm they are doing the right thing or that their idea is incredible.

I have heard from many people that when asked for their opinion and they provide it, they are met by silence and then become an outcast - or worse, face the wrath of a "wronged" leader as you clearly didn't recognize their brilliance. Now, you are ostracized and that great job assignment goes to someone else less "difficult" and more "in sync" with the leaderSo, how to you provide feedback to a leader? A friend and client gave me a great line, "You can disagree without being disagreeable" which is a foundational lesson in leader feedback. You first need to know your leader to appreciate how feedback will be received and how sincere is the request. You can frame your comments to start with a positive ("I really like where you are going ..."), then provide your reasoning ("I wonder if ..." or "I think we might need to look at..."), and close with inclusion, ("I may be wrong on this but where do you see this ..."). One key point is to stay impersonal - try to use the words "I think" or "I believe" rather than "you are". This stance sets up an opinion rather than an accusation.

Regardless of your proactive tactics, some leaders just do not want to hear it and knowing them is the best route. I have lost business when a leaders asked for my opinion and I provide it as diplomatically as possible. And that was that in many situations. You find your contract has ended because you are no longer a "fit" which means you didn't agree with the leader. It so disappoints me and shows me a leader not ready to move to the next level. I find that employees are many times more open to honest feedback and appreciate of direct advice than leaders.

I know this sounds sad and jaded but I see this play out all the time. Leaders do need to hear feedback - particularly dissenting opinions, listen and hear the words without taking it personally, and be thoughtful about it. When a leader cuts off one person's feedback, it creates a closed environment where no one is comfortable saying what they think and the leader does become lonely except for the people who just say "You are right".

In the request for feedback between a leader and a team member, I believe that the greatest onus for the outcome lies with the leader. Entering this territory is like moving into a field of landmines. Team members are at a disadvantage in the relationship. Leaders who truly want to hear the truth need to be able to handle it. My personal opinion (whether you want to hear it or not) is that most leaders do not actually want to hear the truth no matter how much they say they do. Those that do are exceptional people to work with and foster innovation and engagement. You simply need to look at our disappointing statistics on the sagging innovation and engagement in our organizations to know how open leaders truly are to feedback.

In my work, I am paid for advice and I try to combine as best as possible direct, honest, and diplomatic insights to get to the real points. You have to assess your timing and the leader's temperature. Some leaders are just not ready.

I am really lucky in my own business where I have people who are really direct with me and I have learned to take it. I know it isn't personal - although sometimes it hurts a little - and I often have to walk away and think. Hearing the truth opens up new opportunities if you do listen. More and more, we know that leadership is not a solo game so as leaders we need to honestly want honesty.

In the end, I think that people who provide honest feedback will progress and win - it comes down to understanding the leader and how to best frame the advice. When my business partner asks me for my opinion, I always ask this question first to be sure on where we are going, "Do you want my opinion or my agreement?" His answer tells me how to frame my response.

My bottom-line advice, however, is to leaders. Get over yourself and be open to advice. The title and the position does not mean you are right - it means you have a right to set direction and the best strategy will come from an environment of open and honest feedback. When you ask for feedback, really want it or it will be lonely at the top.

Just my thinking ...

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